You tell yourself you never achieved much in your professional career because you were never in a job you could really get into. No motivation. What you were getting out of it, a paycheck, was all you really needed and wanted. You were convinced there was something out there, something more aligned with who you think you are. You did some work in an attempt to uncover who you are and what you want. Some. You may have wanted it to come a little easier. Make your transition smooth, not too much disruption, not too much risk to your paycheck life. But at the same time, instead of putting everything you could into your paycheck life and putting everything you could into your imagined life and giving all you could to your family, all of them, you pretty much excused yourself from any of that and decided to wait it all out by escaping, taking an easier way out. This is different from seeking the path of least resistance.
Now, you are at an age where the hour and days are sliding by as you move one paper to one side of the pile and then back again. You are sharper now and able to focus and work on your imagined life. But now you find some other reason to pretend and ultimately waste more time. You are really kidding yourself about your paycheck life and might even be thriving at it, becoming more effective at it than ever before. You aren’t wasting your time, at least, since you know you have to be there. Your imagined life gets some attention and you may feel, start to feel, something down this path might be possible. You are starting to believe. You say you wish you could be “all in” for something. Then be “all in!” Period. Or don’t kid yourself. Are you living the life you want to live? Are you merging your paycheck and imagined lives into becoming your Real Life?